Tuesday, July 12, 2011

"Doctor, Is That An Instrument In Your Hand Or Am I Just Happy To See You?"

Pop Quiz: What's the worst part of having a large puss-filled growth on your testicles? Answer: You can't eat solid food for a month. Just kidding. No, it's the constant oozing and bleeding from your genitals.

This year was a big year for me. This is partly due to the fact that I had a large boil removed from my nutsack. A horrible experience? Yes. Utterly humiliating? You bet. But I like to look on the bright side of things. At least I can wear my two piece to the beach again. . .I mean one piece. . .I mean bathing suit.

Anyways, if you're having a similar problem or ever encounter boils some time in the future, here are 5 handy tips to help ease you through the process of having that particular brand of evil removed from your body.

1. Know your doctor well.

Believe me he/she is going to know you very, very well. This person will be manhandling your equipment on a weekly basis. It's best to have a good rapport with your chosen medical professional. Experts suggest at least five minutes of conversation before the examination to help relax you both. I brought a box of wine and a mixed tape of slow jams to my first exam. It really broke the ice.

2. Don't get cute.

Don't fool yourself, friend, they are going to shave the crap out of your sinful regions. You won't recognize yourself. In addition, every member of the hospital staff where you are having your surgery will place their hands on your junk at some point that day: the surgeon, the nurses, the orderly, the janitor and select members of the cafeteria crew all need to get in there and do their business. Let them. And let them do it with the dignity their positions deserve. This is no time to get cute. Avoid talking to these people. In fact, avoid making eye contact with anyone that entire day if possible. When I had my surgery, I pretended that I was asleep for most of the day. When I wasn't doing that, I pretended to be listening to an iPod even though I clearly did not have one with me or even headphones. In hindsight, it was a rather foolish maneuver, but I think the staff appreciated my efforts. Trust me, they don't like it any more than you do, but they have a job to do.

If you insist on speaking to anyone, at all costs, avoid asking whether whatever task that person is performing makes it look bigger. No one will appreciate this hilarious joke.

3. Get your rest.

Plan ahead. Before your surgery hide all of your pornography and suggestive magazines in a safe place. Upon your return you will be happy you did. At this stage in the game, you need to avoid the temptation. Your best friends in the world have just gone through a major trauma. Do them a favor and let them heal. No one's going to be happy if you start trying to rub the magic lamp to awaken the gelatin genie too soon. Believe me, it will be empty and depressing.
Bonus Tip: Avoid watching Cinemax after 9:30 pm and some of the better music videos on BET.

4. Don't be a hero.

Congratulations! It's been a month since your surgery and you've avoided ripping your stitches or succumbing to the soul-crushing loneliness. But not so fast, Slugger. Just because you're not encumbered with genital growths anymore doesn't mean you should rush out and start a new relationship or rekindle an old one. Be realistic. You now have stitches running, as they say, from "stem to stern", like the Taintsylvania Express. And there will be oozing. Good God, will there be oozing. You don't want to become romantic with a lady and have to explain the unusual and odorous landscape down there. And ambushing her with it and pretending it doesn't exist will work with only the most inebriated of hook-ups. Take my advice: stay off the scene. If possible, fake your own death and reemerge months later with an amazing tale involving The Forbidden Ghost Cave!! Which leads to. . .

5. People will believe you if you're earnest enough.

Look, you're going to have scars no matter how much you rub the area or how much lotion you apply. And people are going to notice. Therefore you're going to have to come up with a good story. Try to make your explanation something cool, like you got it fighting fires. Or leave it cryptic and say something like "All I have to say is that those goddamn bounty hunters think they're above the law. But that one day. . .That one day, there was a new law in town. . . " If you can't pull off cool (like most men afflicted with genital boils) try sympathetic, something like "I'm from Kentucky" or "I donated an organ to my sick cousin" (never specify which organ). Whatever you do, never under any circumstances tell the truth about what happened. Unless you're trying to help others avoid the personal hell you've experienced. Good luck.

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