Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Charles in Charge is a Lie!! A Dirty, Stupid Lie!!

The whole thing is totally misleading. It's not representative of real life in any way. I mean, they sugar-coat so much. Where's the uncontrollable profanity??? Where are the scenes where the kids see Charles with his shirt off and point and laugh at his body hair and irregular moles??? And (of much concern to me right now) where, oh where, is the episode where the kids wake Charles up and, as he sits up in bed, his balls flop out of his boxers to everyone's shock and horror???

Yes, this happened to me the other day. As you might have read in previous posts, I take care of my nieces during the day for my sister. Yes, I am unemployed. And yes, I am a huge loser. But we don't have to get into that right now. What is of more concern at the moment is the fact that I am scarring two sweet, little girls for life on a daily basis. It hasn't even been that long - I've only been at this for a month or so - and I'm pretty sure I've done untold psychological damage.

So far they've seen me smoke, they've seen me drink, they've seen me almost set myself on fire. They've had to deal with my afternoon "naps" that end up lasting 5 or 6 hours on average, they've dealt with my dog taking a human sized crap on their stuffed animals, and they've dealt with the fact that we can't go to their favorite playground during the day because my car smells like old homeless men and I can't find my insurance info. Plus, the other day they thought I'd abandoned them when they couldn't find me because I was taking a 45 minute dump. And that was all before Homunculus and Lord Jeff decided to make an appearance.

As should be painfully obvious at this point, I have no previous experience with this stuff. Before I started doing this, I was barely able to take care of myself and my various addictions (cigarettes, sandwiches with "melt" in the title, etc). Now two human beings depend on me for their every need. I am unquestionably unqualified. So, naturally, I look to television for a humorous look at life situations that will amuse me, but ultimately warm my heart and help me out of this jam. And the logical choice for guidance would be? That's right - Charles in Charge. But let me tell you, people, he's got no answers - only pseudo-wisdom passed to him from John Travolta's mother. And, of course, whatever he can learn from Buddy Lembeck (which, as I watch more of this show, I'm discovering, is very little). And as hilarious as all of their shenanigans are, none of it is relevant to my real life problem. For instance, I haven't, as yet, missed out on the big rock concert because Adam is sick with the measles. Because frankly, in my experience, as soon as someone gets the measles, they're as good as dead anyway. And no way I'm missing that concert!! Further, I don't have two hot blondes who both want to go to the dance with me. I barely have one! And by that I mean I have none. But that's not the point. The point is, Charles in Charge is useless. Someone please show me a sitcom where a grown man exposes his balls to young children. Is that too much to ask, Network Television??? Am I the only one who wants to learn here!?

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