Baseball announcers have a tough job. On average, a baseball game lasts about 3.5 hours. That's a lot of pointless babbling and pontification on useless statistics. Now imagine doing that upwards of 80 times a season. Yeah, that is a mountain of BS that a normal person would be buried under. But somehow these brave men do this year in and year out, happily spewing their inanities for hours at a time for the entire world to hear.
But with such prodigious efforts, you figure one or two nuggets of actual information or honest opinion is going to slip out, right? After a few hours in that booth, those guys are on the razor's edge of sharing with us all what they actually think. Just look at what happened to Mike Patrick during the telecast of a Georgia v. Alabama game. When the game went into overtime, his brain melted on national television. If you missed it, check it out here -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZUB3eJOTos - It's tremendous! And poor Mike was literally only minutes into the overtime session. If Georgia hadn't scored the winning touchdown so quickly, we all might have been treated to a sobbing Patrick breaking down in tears and confessing to some experimental cross-dressing in college or something. You never know.
In that spirit, here's this week's Top Ten:
TOP TEN THINGS I'D LOVE TO HEAR COMING OUT OF AN ANNOUNCER'S MOUTH DURING A BROADCAST
1. "Holy Titty-fuckin' Christ! Did you see that!?!"
2. "Seeing this group of guys pull together like it has . . . seeing the camaraderie of this team. It reminds me of when I was with Detroit and we had just beaten Oakland in the playoffs. We all went back to the showers and just got all gay with each other. Really amazing stuff."
3. "If you could just bare with me, folks, I am really battling some inner demons here. Ha ha. But I'm sure we'll explore them in depth over the next three hours or so. So let's kick back and relax and get ready for the first pitch. . ."
4. "Unbelievable!!! I don't believe it! I have just witnessed something on the field that is so outrageous that my brain is having trouble comprehending it and is therefore trying to reject it as unreal! I literally do not believe what I just saw!! I'm having problems believing that the sequence of events that I just saw actually occurred! If I didn't have such a tight grasp on my conscious, waking mind, I would believe that I am asleep and dreaming right now, but I know that is not the case, so I am going to be forced to decide whether to believe this or not!! This is shaking me to the core, Al, because I just can't believe it!!. . . . . ."
5. ". . . . . . . . . . I'm sorry. I was a million miles away. I was day dreaming about Derek Jeter in Game 3 of the 2001 ALDS. Now that was a playoff game! Not like this clusterf*#k we have going on here."
6. "This reminds me of my days playing in Cincinnati. We had a guy, Eddie Wilson. "Fast" Eddie Wilson. Eddie was just a little fella. Nervous sort. Kind of erratic. When we were on the road, no matter where we were stayin', Eddie would call up a hooker. And he'd have her meet him at the hotel pool. But by the time she showed up, Eddie would be finished, you see, and he'd just go on up to his room and fall asleep. That's why we called him "Fast Eddie". Well, one day we're playing the Giants and Eddie gets into it with our third baseman, "Wild Bill" Hadley. We called him "Wild Bill" because he had this big ole thick patch of pubic hair. So Bill and Eddie go at it. . . . . . . . .Uh . . . Later on, Eddie took a dump in Harmon Killebrew's batting helmet. Boy, that Harmon Killebrew was some kinda hitter. . . . . . "
7. "I don't say this very often, but he is a beautiful, muscular man."
8. "It's a hot shot to left center. It's heading for the gap! Someone is rounding third. That person will score. Sorry, I don't have my notes. And on the play, the batter. . . . . um. . . . .he will get to second for a double coming with. . . . . .a number of outs. . . . . . .Two. Two outs. Good piece of hitting there by. . . . . . .the dusky gentleman. And now the manager of the. . . .uh. . . . .other team will take a trip to the mound to visit. . . . . . . .um. . . . . . .I don't have this in front of me. . . but, uh. . . . . .And it looks like he'll stay in the game to face. . . . . ."
9. "From all I've seen, I'd just like to go on record now - and I'd like you to note that this is before any allegations have been made by major league baseball or the media and before any kind of evidence or report has come out - but I'd just like to say that that man is unmistakably and unequivocally on steroids. And his mere presence on this field is a black mark on the game of baseball."
10. "Wow, these fans suck! Listen to them. They're completely obnoxious. Can we get a close-up of some of these people? Look at them - they're fat and ugly! It's disgusting. Look at how fat and gross they are. Look at this guy eating a hot dog. Look at 'em. Jesus! If I was going to switch professions, I'd become a cardiologist or a pastry chef in this city. Or maybe I'd run for mayor and put a tax on fat, stupid people and then I'd take all the money and move to a better city to get away from all their grossness. Christ Almighty!
And just for fun, and because I really hate Tim McCarver, Bob Brenly, and Joe Morgan:
"Nothing in all of my years as a player or as a broadcaster leads me to believe that I have anything of relevance to add at this point."