Top 10 Things You Will Learn in the Coming Months, But Only After It’s Too Late
As the memories of a summer spent drinking shirtless by a pool and screaming “Whoooo!!” at anyone who will listen begin to fade, we are all reminded of two things: 1) God’s glory reflected in the magnificent changes occurring all around us, from the changing colors of the leaves on the trees, to the crisp morning air that fills our lungs as we set out on our busy days, and 2) just how much we hate God.
Yes, Fall is upon us again, my friends. As we all know, Fall is a time of introspection as the colder weather forces us to spend more time indoors considering the year that has past. Chances are you will learn a lot about yourself during this time.
In fact, through scientific observation and careful examination of available statistical data, I’ve been able to develop a list of the most common revelations that you are likely to experience before year’s end. So, without further ado, I present the list that will change your life:
This year, you will learn that:
1. In all likelihood your assumption was wrong and that wasn’t a swinger’s club, but, in fact, a graveyard like the sign said.
2. The worst part of publicly urinating in a pair of nice dress pants isn’t the stain or the embarrassment; it’s the amount of running you have to do to evade the store security guard who wants you to pay for those soiled pants.
3. You and Harry Potter have a lot in common. You don’t have any magical powers or facial scars, but the old man who has taken such a deep interest in you is, in fact, gay.
4. The Maxi Pad Comfort-Flex with Wings may be enough to most women’s heavy flow, but they’re not strong enough for you. Because you are a man and that is feces.
5. When they say that time heals all wounds, they are only speaking proverbially. You do, in fact, need health care.
6. All of the humorous misunderstandings that you’ve been experiencing lately have been caused by the reemergence of your long-lost identical twin . . . but his years in that coma have turned him EVIL!
7. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you for the moment you discover the purpose of the male nipple.
8. The only way to get back control of your life and manage your 27 cats is by getting. . . .more cats!!.
9. When you discover, weeks afterward, that it was, in fact, on the endangered species list, it will increase your guilt over what you’ve done, but somehow it will also increase the deliciousness.
10. Child Services apparently does not have a sense of humor about that sort of thing.