How do you spell danger to himself and toddlers? With a nest of hornets, a propane grill, and a moronic uncle.
So I was going to make my niece, Olivia, hot dogs for lunch today. I go outside and look at the grill to see if there's any gas still in the tank. I turn on the gas and try to ignite the thing with the switch ignition, but it doesn't work. So I open the grill to plan my next step and find a huge hornet's nest and a bunch of pissed off hornets. These geniuses had constructed their nest right at the lid hinge, so when I opened it, it tore their nest in half. They're livid and they know who to blame for the sudden bisection of their kingdom - the giant dick in his underwear carrying a plate of hot dogs. I slam the lid back down and run. Somehow I make it back inside with the hot dogs intact. . .but without my dignity. It's hard to respect yourself while doing the "bees everywhere" dance in your underwear, screaming loudly and holding a plate of wieners. The other thing that I forgot was that I left the gas on. This becomes important later. See if you can guess how.
Anyway, so now I've got a problem. First, this plate of meat ain't gonna cook itself and frankly I'm tired of microwaved hot dogs. Second, my nieces are such girly girls and, as such, are deathly afraid of any kind of insect. Ants freak them out. They scream bloody murder and refuse to go into rooms because there's an ant in there. And we're not even talking fire ants. Just regular black ants. So anyway, if they knew that a colony of hornets was camped out on their deck, I don't think we would be able to get them to go outside for the rest of their childhoods. So I have to get rid of these things. Shockingly, extermination of insects and animals is not one of my strong suits. But I decide to fry these suckers anyway.
I let the little bastards settle down a little bit. You know, go back to their normal lives. . .and then, BAM! I strike. Mistake number one, Mr. Hornet - you got complacent. Terminally complacent. . . .Actually, mistake number one was probably building your nest inches from a source of fire, but still complacency did not help your cause. You just don't know when to quit, do you, Hornet? What's that? Do I expect you to abandon your home? No, Mr. Hornet, I expect you to DIE!
Long story short. I go out there, open up the lid, and toss a flaming ball of paper towel into the grill - the same grill that has been filling up with propane for the last 10 minutes as the pantsless wonder came up with his master plan. The ensuing fireball was. . . .well, breathtaking. I didn't get to see all of it since parts of me were on fire. But Olivia (observing from the safety of the house) assures me that it was unbelievable. Take that, hornets! Needless to say nobody on that deck was all that happy to be there. The hornets, those few that survived, ran for it as their home was set ablaze and their companions were left crackling on an open flame. As for me, I too had lost a few valued friends, like all the hair on my arm and the eyelashes that used to be over my left eye. They will be missed.
Please don't ever let me have kids of my own.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Top Ten List
Top 10 Things You Will Learn in the Coming Months, But Only After It’s Too Late
As the memories of a summer spent drinking shirtless by a pool and screaming “Whoooo!!” at anyone who will listen begin to fade, we are all reminded of two things: 1) God’s glory reflected in the magnificent changes occurring all around us, from the changing colors of the leaves on the trees, to the crisp morning air that fills our lungs as we set out on our busy days, and 2) just how much we hate God.
Yes, Fall is upon us again, my friends. As we all know, Fall is a time of introspection as the colder weather forces us to spend more time indoors considering the year that has past. Chances are you will learn a lot about yourself during this time.
In fact, through scientific observation and careful examination of available statistical data, I’ve been able to develop a list of the most common revelations that you are likely to experience before year’s end. So, without further ado, I present the list that will change your life:
This year, you will learn that:
1. In all likelihood your assumption was wrong and that wasn’t a swinger’s club, but, in fact, a graveyard like the sign said.
2. The worst part of publicly urinating in a pair of nice dress pants isn’t the stain or the embarrassment; it’s the amount of running you have to do to evade the store security guard who wants you to pay for those soiled pants.
3. You and Harry Potter have a lot in common. You don’t have any magical powers or facial scars, but the old man who has taken such a deep interest in you is, in fact, gay.
4. The Maxi Pad Comfort-Flex with Wings may be enough to most women’s heavy flow, but they’re not strong enough for you. Because you are a man and that is feces.
5. When they say that time heals all wounds, they are only speaking proverbially. You do, in fact, need health care.
6. All of the humorous misunderstandings that you’ve been experiencing lately have been caused by the reemergence of your long-lost identical twin . . . but his years in that coma have turned him EVIL!
7. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you for the moment you discover the purpose of the male nipple.
8. The only way to get back control of your life and manage your 27 cats is by getting. . . .more cats!!.
9. When you discover, weeks afterward, that it was, in fact, on the endangered species list, it will increase your guilt over what you’ve done, but somehow it will also increase the deliciousness.
10. Child Services apparently does not have a sense of humor about that sort of thing.
As the memories of a summer spent drinking shirtless by a pool and screaming “Whoooo!!” at anyone who will listen begin to fade, we are all reminded of two things: 1) God’s glory reflected in the magnificent changes occurring all around us, from the changing colors of the leaves on the trees, to the crisp morning air that fills our lungs as we set out on our busy days, and 2) just how much we hate God.
Yes, Fall is upon us again, my friends. As we all know, Fall is a time of introspection as the colder weather forces us to spend more time indoors considering the year that has past. Chances are you will learn a lot about yourself during this time.
In fact, through scientific observation and careful examination of available statistical data, I’ve been able to develop a list of the most common revelations that you are likely to experience before year’s end. So, without further ado, I present the list that will change your life:
This year, you will learn that:
1. In all likelihood your assumption was wrong and that wasn’t a swinger’s club, but, in fact, a graveyard like the sign said.
2. The worst part of publicly urinating in a pair of nice dress pants isn’t the stain or the embarrassment; it’s the amount of running you have to do to evade the store security guard who wants you to pay for those soiled pants.
3. You and Harry Potter have a lot in common. You don’t have any magical powers or facial scars, but the old man who has taken such a deep interest in you is, in fact, gay.
4. The Maxi Pad Comfort-Flex with Wings may be enough to most women’s heavy flow, but they’re not strong enough for you. Because you are a man and that is feces.
5. When they say that time heals all wounds, they are only speaking proverbially. You do, in fact, need health care.
6. All of the humorous misunderstandings that you’ve been experiencing lately have been caused by the reemergence of your long-lost identical twin . . . but his years in that coma have turned him EVIL!
7. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you for the moment you discover the purpose of the male nipple.
8. The only way to get back control of your life and manage your 27 cats is by getting. . . .more cats!!.
9. When you discover, weeks afterward, that it was, in fact, on the endangered species list, it will increase your guilt over what you’ve done, but somehow it will also increase the deliciousness.
10. Child Services apparently does not have a sense of humor about that sort of thing.
Charles in Charge is a Lie!! A Dirty, Stupid Lie!!
The whole thing is totally misleading. It's not representative of real life in any way. I mean, they sugar-coat so much. Where's the uncontrollable profanity??? Where are the scenes where the kids see Charles with his shirt off and point and laugh at his body hair and irregular moles??? And (of much concern to me right now) where, oh where, is the episode where the kids wake Charles up and, as he sits up in bed, his balls flop out of his boxers to everyone's shock and horror???
Yes, this happened to me the other day. As you might have read in previous posts, I take care of my nieces during the day for my sister. Yes, I am unemployed. And yes, I am a huge loser. But we don't have to get into that right now. What is of more concern at the moment is the fact that I am scarring two sweet, little girls for life on a daily basis. It hasn't even been that long - I've only been at this for a month or so - and I'm pretty sure I've done untold psychological damage.
So far they've seen me smoke, they've seen me drink, they've seen me almost set myself on fire. They've had to deal with my afternoon "naps" that end up lasting 5 or 6 hours on average, they've dealt with my dog taking a human sized crap on their stuffed animals, and they've dealt with the fact that we can't go to their favorite playground during the day because my car smells like old homeless men and I can't find my insurance info. Plus, the other day they thought I'd abandoned them when they couldn't find me because I was taking a 45 minute dump. And that was all before Homunculus and Lord Jeff decided to make an appearance.
As should be painfully obvious at this point, I have no previous experience with this stuff. Before I started doing this, I was barely able to take care of myself and my various addictions (cigarettes, sandwiches with "melt" in the title, etc). Now two human beings depend on me for their every need. I am unquestionably unqualified. So, naturally, I look to television for a humorous look at life situations that will amuse me, but ultimately warm my heart and help me out of this jam. And the logical choice for guidance would be? That's right - Charles in Charge. But let me tell you, people, he's got no answers - only pseudo-wisdom passed to him from John Travolta's mother. And, of course, whatever he can learn from Buddy Lembeck (which, as I watch more of this show, I'm discovering, is very little). And as hilarious as all of their shenanigans are, none of it is relevant to my real life problem. For instance, I haven't, as yet, missed out on the big rock concert because Adam is sick with the measles. Because frankly, in my experience, as soon as someone gets the measles, they're as good as dead anyway. And no way I'm missing that concert!! Further, I don't have two hot blondes who both want to go to the dance with me. I barely have one! And by that I mean I have none. But that's not the point. The point is, Charles in Charge is useless. Someone please show me a sitcom where a grown man exposes his balls to young children. Is that too much to ask, Network Television??? Am I the only one who wants to learn here!?
Yes, this happened to me the other day. As you might have read in previous posts, I take care of my nieces during the day for my sister. Yes, I am unemployed. And yes, I am a huge loser. But we don't have to get into that right now. What is of more concern at the moment is the fact that I am scarring two sweet, little girls for life on a daily basis. It hasn't even been that long - I've only been at this for a month or so - and I'm pretty sure I've done untold psychological damage.
So far they've seen me smoke, they've seen me drink, they've seen me almost set myself on fire. They've had to deal with my afternoon "naps" that end up lasting 5 or 6 hours on average, they've dealt with my dog taking a human sized crap on their stuffed animals, and they've dealt with the fact that we can't go to their favorite playground during the day because my car smells like old homeless men and I can't find my insurance info. Plus, the other day they thought I'd abandoned them when they couldn't find me because I was taking a 45 minute dump. And that was all before Homunculus and Lord Jeff decided to make an appearance.
As should be painfully obvious at this point, I have no previous experience with this stuff. Before I started doing this, I was barely able to take care of myself and my various addictions (cigarettes, sandwiches with "melt" in the title, etc). Now two human beings depend on me for their every need. I am unquestionably unqualified. So, naturally, I look to television for a humorous look at life situations that will amuse me, but ultimately warm my heart and help me out of this jam. And the logical choice for guidance would be? That's right - Charles in Charge. But let me tell you, people, he's got no answers - only pseudo-wisdom passed to him from John Travolta's mother. And, of course, whatever he can learn from Buddy Lembeck (which, as I watch more of this show, I'm discovering, is very little). And as hilarious as all of their shenanigans are, none of it is relevant to my real life problem. For instance, I haven't, as yet, missed out on the big rock concert because Adam is sick with the measles. Because frankly, in my experience, as soon as someone gets the measles, they're as good as dead anyway. And no way I'm missing that concert!! Further, I don't have two hot blondes who both want to go to the dance with me. I barely have one! And by that I mean I have none. But that's not the point. The point is, Charles in Charge is useless. Someone please show me a sitcom where a grown man exposes his balls to young children. Is that too much to ask, Network Television??? Am I the only one who wants to learn here!?
"Doctor, Is That An Instrument In Your Hand Or Am I Just Happy To See You?"
Pop Quiz: What's the worst part of having a large puss-filled growth on your testicles? Answer: You can't eat solid food for a month. Just kidding. No, it's the constant oozing and bleeding from your genitals.
This year was a big year for me. This is partly due to the fact that I had a large boil removed from my nutsack. A horrible experience? Yes. Utterly humiliating? You bet. But I like to look on the bright side of things. At least I can wear my two piece to the beach again. . .I mean one piece. . .I mean bathing suit.
Anyways, if you're having a similar problem or ever encounter boils some time in the future, here are 5 handy tips to help ease you through the process of having that particular brand of evil removed from your body.
1. Know your doctor well.
Believe me he/she is going to know you very, very well. This person will be manhandling your equipment on a weekly basis. It's best to have a good rapport with your chosen medical professional. Experts suggest at least five minutes of conversation before the examination to help relax you both. I brought a box of wine and a mixed tape of slow jams to my first exam. It really broke the ice.
2. Don't get cute.
Don't fool yourself, friend, they are going to shave the crap out of your sinful regions. You won't recognize yourself. In addition, every member of the hospital staff where you are having your surgery will place their hands on your junk at some point that day: the surgeon, the nurses, the orderly, the janitor and select members of the cafeteria crew all need to get in there and do their business. Let them. And let them do it with the dignity their positions deserve. This is no time to get cute. Avoid talking to these people. In fact, avoid making eye contact with anyone that entire day if possible. When I had my surgery, I pretended that I was asleep for most of the day. When I wasn't doing that, I pretended to be listening to an iPod even though I clearly did not have one with me or even headphones. In hindsight, it was a rather foolish maneuver, but I think the staff appreciated my efforts. Trust me, they don't like it any more than you do, but they have a job to do.
If you insist on speaking to anyone, at all costs, avoid asking whether whatever task that person is performing makes it look bigger. No one will appreciate this hilarious joke.
3. Get your rest.
Plan ahead. Before your surgery hide all of your pornography and suggestive magazines in a safe place. Upon your return you will be happy you did. At this stage in the game, you need to avoid the temptation. Your best friends in the world have just gone through a major trauma. Do them a favor and let them heal. No one's going to be happy if you start trying to rub the magic lamp to awaken the gelatin genie too soon. Believe me, it will be empty and depressing.
Bonus Tip: Avoid watching Cinemax after 9:30 pm and some of the better music videos on BET.
4. Don't be a hero.
Congratulations! It's been a month since your surgery and you've avoided ripping your stitches or succumbing to the soul-crushing loneliness. But not so fast, Slugger. Just because you're not encumbered with genital growths anymore doesn't mean you should rush out and start a new relationship or rekindle an old one. Be realistic. You now have stitches running, as they say, from "stem to stern", like the Taintsylvania Express. And there will be oozing. Good God, will there be oozing. You don't want to become romantic with a lady and have to explain the unusual and odorous landscape down there. And ambushing her with it and pretending it doesn't exist will work with only the most inebriated of hook-ups. Take my advice: stay off the scene. If possible, fake your own death and reemerge months later with an amazing tale involving The Forbidden Ghost Cave!! Which leads to. . .
5. People will believe you if you're earnest enough.
Look, you're going to have scars no matter how much you rub the area or how much lotion you apply. And people are going to notice. Therefore you're going to have to come up with a good story. Try to make your explanation something cool, like you got it fighting fires. Or leave it cryptic and say something like "All I have to say is that those goddamn bounty hunters think they're above the law. But that one day. . .That one day, there was a new law in town. . . " If you can't pull off cool (like most men afflicted with genital boils) try sympathetic, something like "I'm from Kentucky" or "I donated an organ to my sick cousin" (never specify which organ). Whatever you do, never under any circumstances tell the truth about what happened. Unless you're trying to help others avoid the personal hell you've experienced. Good luck.
This year was a big year for me. This is partly due to the fact that I had a large boil removed from my nutsack. A horrible experience? Yes. Utterly humiliating? You bet. But I like to look on the bright side of things. At least I can wear my two piece to the beach again. . .I mean one piece. . .I mean bathing suit.
Anyways, if you're having a similar problem or ever encounter boils some time in the future, here are 5 handy tips to help ease you through the process of having that particular brand of evil removed from your body.
1. Know your doctor well.
Believe me he/she is going to know you very, very well. This person will be manhandling your equipment on a weekly basis. It's best to have a good rapport with your chosen medical professional. Experts suggest at least five minutes of conversation before the examination to help relax you both. I brought a box of wine and a mixed tape of slow jams to my first exam. It really broke the ice.
2. Don't get cute.
Don't fool yourself, friend, they are going to shave the crap out of your sinful regions. You won't recognize yourself. In addition, every member of the hospital staff where you are having your surgery will place their hands on your junk at some point that day: the surgeon, the nurses, the orderly, the janitor and select members of the cafeteria crew all need to get in there and do their business. Let them. And let them do it with the dignity their positions deserve. This is no time to get cute. Avoid talking to these people. In fact, avoid making eye contact with anyone that entire day if possible. When I had my surgery, I pretended that I was asleep for most of the day. When I wasn't doing that, I pretended to be listening to an iPod even though I clearly did not have one with me or even headphones. In hindsight, it was a rather foolish maneuver, but I think the staff appreciated my efforts. Trust me, they don't like it any more than you do, but they have a job to do.
If you insist on speaking to anyone, at all costs, avoid asking whether whatever task that person is performing makes it look bigger. No one will appreciate this hilarious joke.
3. Get your rest.
Plan ahead. Before your surgery hide all of your pornography and suggestive magazines in a safe place. Upon your return you will be happy you did. At this stage in the game, you need to avoid the temptation. Your best friends in the world have just gone through a major trauma. Do them a favor and let them heal. No one's going to be happy if you start trying to rub the magic lamp to awaken the gelatin genie too soon. Believe me, it will be empty and depressing.
Bonus Tip: Avoid watching Cinemax after 9:30 pm and some of the better music videos on BET.
4. Don't be a hero.
Congratulations! It's been a month since your surgery and you've avoided ripping your stitches or succumbing to the soul-crushing loneliness. But not so fast, Slugger. Just because you're not encumbered with genital growths anymore doesn't mean you should rush out and start a new relationship or rekindle an old one. Be realistic. You now have stitches running, as they say, from "stem to stern", like the Taintsylvania Express. And there will be oozing. Good God, will there be oozing. You don't want to become romantic with a lady and have to explain the unusual and odorous landscape down there. And ambushing her with it and pretending it doesn't exist will work with only the most inebriated of hook-ups. Take my advice: stay off the scene. If possible, fake your own death and reemerge months later with an amazing tale involving The Forbidden Ghost Cave!! Which leads to. . .
5. People will believe you if you're earnest enough.
Look, you're going to have scars no matter how much you rub the area or how much lotion you apply. And people are going to notice. Therefore you're going to have to come up with a good story. Try to make your explanation something cool, like you got it fighting fires. Or leave it cryptic and say something like "All I have to say is that those goddamn bounty hunters think they're above the law. But that one day. . .That one day, there was a new law in town. . . " If you can't pull off cool (like most men afflicted with genital boils) try sympathetic, something like "I'm from Kentucky" or "I donated an organ to my sick cousin" (never specify which organ). Whatever you do, never under any circumstances tell the truth about what happened. Unless you're trying to help others avoid the personal hell you've experienced. Good luck.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Top 10 "Best" Baseball Fan Bases
It's baseball season which means, of course, that the perennial debate must begin anew: which team has the best fans? Personally, I have had this discussion far too many times. So I will now put it in writing for all to see and hopefully never have to speak of it again.
The first question that has to be asked when taking on this issue is what is meant by "best"? Are the best fans the ones who support their team through thick and thin? Sell out every home game? Cheer the loudest? Boo the loudest? Are they the ones who have actual knowledge of their team, its players and the game of baseball or are they simply the ones who throw the most shit on the field in the course of the game?
It's a tough question. Seriously. I mean its quite a homefield advantage when your fan base is a bunch of braying jackasses who are more than willing to publicly humiliate themselves in order to heckle the other team. On the other hand, having a stadium packed with those same morons can have a negative impact on the home team as well [see every big name free agent the Mets ever brought in. Or the Albert "Joey" Belle (definitely in my top 5 sports psychopaths) My favorite is the incident in which shortly after he completed a program for alcohol and drug abuse (and subsequently changed his name from Joey to Albert in a totally bizarre and never really explained move), one of his own fans was taunting him about having a keg party over at his house. In response to the heckling, Belle picked up a foul ball, turned, and threw the ball as hard as he could into the fan's chest. The guy had to go to the hospital and Albert was suspended for a week. Brilliant, Mr. Belle. I don't know how you came up with that stuff. By the way, if you aren't familiar with his greatest hits, check out this site - http://www.baseballlibrary.com/ballplayers/player.php?name=albert_belle_1966 - focusing on the first four paragraphs. It reads like this guy is writing about a character he made up - the biggest douche bag ever to play America's sport]
For the purposes of this post, I'm going to say the best fans are the loudest, drunkest, and most disruptive. I'll be basing my judgments on my personal experiences. And by personal experiences I mean everything from actually firsthand knowledge, to seeing stuff on television, to unverified stories I heard from some guy that swears his buddy was there. Since this is how I get all of my information on which I make major life decisions, I see no problem with using it here.
TOP TEN "BEST" BASEBALL FAN BASES
10. San Francisco Giants
California fans generally don't get a lot of respect. And I won't be giving them much respect here, either. But I will say this; there is no fan base more absurdly loyal to its players than Giant fans. If you've ever had a conversation about Barry Bonds with a Giant fan, you'll immediately know what I'm talking about. I happen to know a lot of Giant fans and I may have once or twice insinuated that Barry Bonds may or may not have taken a lot of steroids. Man, they get insane! They refuse to apply logic or listen to rational arguments when it comes to Bonds. Giants’ fans literally turn into a team of attorneys whenever Barry Bonds is mentioned. They require you to prove to them beyond a reasonable doubt that Barry Bonds used steroids (I think we can all agree that their doubts are unreasonable at this point). I had one of my Giant fan friends demand that I show him evidence that Barry Bonds is guilty of using performance enhancers. As if I'm Federal prosecutor and I've got some exhibits on me as we're drinking at a bar. "Just wait a second while I produce blood test records from 2003." Get a hold of yourself. The man's head grew at 37 years of age! His head! Grew! Whatever. I'm not going to beat a dead, bloated, large headed, cheating horse. I'll just say that any fan base that can be that ridiculous about its players deserves some kind of recognition for their efforts. I mean, take a look at the #3's fans and remember how fast they turned on Sammy Sosa. Good job, San Fran.
Oh, also, I went to a game at Candlestick in the middle of August and it was negative 10 degrees and windy. I seriously considered urinating on myself to keep warm. Any fans willing to endure that to see a game deserve to make this list.
9. Milwaukee Brewers
Brewers’ fans aren't generally considered to be rowdy or obnoxious, but that's only because the Brewers aren't generally considered to be a baseball team. Let me tell you from personal experience that these people get absolutely ripped at their games. Is this shocking to anyone? They're sponsored by a beer company. They sell Miller Lite and MGD for around 30 cents at a stadium called Miller Park. They're named the Brewers for God's sake! They're literally daring their fans to try and remain sober.
And their general drunkenness is nothing new. When I was a kid, I went to see the Brewers play the Orioles at the old County Stadium (if Cleveland hadn't built that abomination which was officially called Municipal Stadium and was unofficially known as "The Mistake by the Lake," then County stadium would be the ugliest, dirtiest, and stickiest place I've ever seen a baseball game). I have to be honest with you; I don't remember much of the game because the guys next to us made a bigger spectacle than the players on the field. These guys got piss drunk by the third inning and proceeded to heckle Eddie Murray for the next two hours or so. "Eddie!" "ED-DIE!!" and "Murray sucks!" were loudly slurr-screamed in my ear for the entire game, no matter who was at bat, no matter who was in the field. Just a constant "Edddddd-iiiiiiiieeeee!!!" intermixed with a more subdued "Edd-ddiee" when they got a little tuckered out. The funniest part about the whole thing was that Eddie Murray wasn't even in the game. In fact, he didn't even play for either team. He'd been with the Dodgers for 4 years by the time these two decided to heckle him mercilessly. But you know what, even if my dad and I had told them that Eddie Murray couldn't hear them because we were in the upper deck and he was in Los Angeles, I don't think that that would have mattered to these guys. They would have let him have it anyways because, frankly, he deserved it, in their estimation, and it was about time someone did something about it. Now those are great fans.
8. St. Louis Cardinals
This is Budweiser's contribution to baseball fan douchebaggery. And just like with their beer, their product is a little bitter and a little hard to swallow, and still marginally better than Miller's. I'm speaking of course about the fact that the Cardinals are sponsored by the Budweiser family of beers and consequently, Cardinal fans get just as drunk as Brewers fans. And, of course, with drunken fans comes inappropriate behavior. I have to confess, I've only been to one Cardinal home game when I was about 12 years old. But, man, was it a doozy. We were watching the Cards take on the Braves and I'm a Braves fan (don't worry, I'm not biased, as you will see from the fact that the Braves are not on my list of great fan bases) so of course, I was wearing my Braves gear. The game had just started and my dad and I were hitting the men's room before we took our seats. While I was waiting outside of the bathroom for my dad to finish up, two beefy Midwestern guys came up to me chuckling as they looked over my hat and replica jersey. Then one of them got right in my face and yelled "FUCK YOU, KID!!!" and then they walked away. I spent the rest of the game in my seat hunched over in fear, imagining that my dad and I were seconds away from being carried off and ritualistically slaughtered by a pack of huge men with bad haircuts and stupid looking mustaches. It was utterly traumatic for me. And I learned something that day. I learned to respect Cardinals fans. If you are truly a good fan, you don't let some stupid kid enjoy a baseball game if he's rooting for the wrong team. NO! You gotta scream some profanity in his face, for God's sake! You gotta rattle his cage! "There are no free rides! Not in our house!" That's right. Welcome to # 8, St. Louis.
7. Chicago White Sox
Sox fans make it to this spot based solely on this: In 2002, during a Sox- Royals game, an irate father and his 15 year old son rushed on to the field and proceeded to beat the ever-loving crap out of the Royals first base coach, Tom Gamboa. For full details of the incident, read this article - http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/baseball/news/2002/09/19/royals_whitesox_ap/ . My favorite part - where the dude is like "He got what he deserved." Priceless! That is white trash at its best, folks. Just absolutely unapologetic for their transgressions.
I've never read anything that adequately explains what the hell happened here, but I imagine it went something like this:
White Trash Dad: "Hey, Gamboa, you suck! Your team also sucks! You can barely coach first base!"
Tom Gamboa: - - -
WTD: "Gamboa, how many outs are there? Bet you don't know!"
TG: - - -
WTD: "Hey, Gamboa, what are you, some kind of Italian?"
TG: - - -
WTD: "Hey, Tommy, is Gamboa Italian for giant queerburger?!"
TG: "What?"
WTD: "Did you hear that, Son? No one says that about the Ligue men! Let's get him!"
Son: "Right behind you, Pa!"
6. Detroit Tigers
I went to the old Tigers Stadium the season before they tore it down (or more accurately, allowed it to fall down like God intended) and never have I felt so close to being in a riot. They lost to the Yankees that night and I was convinced that we were seconds away from tear gas and burning cars.
I also went to the new Comerica Park which is a very nice, huge, clean park. But we walked from our hotel downtown to the park and it was like taking a walking tour of Baghdad. I need no other proof that those people are hard-ass. That goes for the fans living out in the burbs too. Anybody willing to drag his family through that living hell to catch a game is a diehard in my book.
5. Boston Red Sox
I think we're all familiar with Red Sox fans at this point. Yes, they used to be whiny. And yes, they suddenly got unbelievably cocky. Despite all that, you've never experienced anything funnier than 30,000 people screaming "Fack you, Gay-Rod!!" in unison in their ridiculous New England accent.
4. New York Mets
A few facts for you: Fact 1 - Shea Stadium smells more like urine than urine does. Fact 2 - No one is more abusive to opposing players than Mets fans. Pouring beer on players' heads, screaming what I can only describe as imaginative profanity, chucking batteries - they have the whole bag of tricks. I know all of this from personal experience. First, I've peed all over that stadium and its surrounding parking lot. I feel honored to be a part of history. And second, I've heard, and, yes, participated, in many a brutal heckling. I once sat by the opponent's bullpen and watched about 10 native New Yorkers psychologically break down a middle reliever until he was pile of mush. Poor Pat Mahomes (pronounced Ma-Homes, except in New York where it's pronounced Faggot). I don't know if you see the humor in the name Pat Mahomes, but they sure did. They started there and grew progressively worse until by the time this guy had to go into the game they were describing an elaborate sodomy scene with the 10 of them and Momma Mahomes. Two pitches into his first batter, he gave up the game winning three run homerun. No one in our section was a bit surprised.
3. Chicago Cubs
They're number 3 for 3 reasons. 1) Saw a guy get kicked out of the bleachers for funneling a beer. 2) Saw the entire crowd at Wrigley field boo a 10 year old kid when he didn't want to throw back a homerun ball hit by the visiting team. After a couple of minutes, he finally tossed the ball weakly into left field and then broke down crying. Amazing stuff. 3) Sat through a half hour game delay because the third base ump called Derek Lee out on a check-swing and about 40,000 people lobbed their bottled waters on to the field. I was shocked. "Cubs fans don't drink water!," I said to myself. An inning later, they didn't like another call on a close play at second base, so out go the water bottles. It was ridiculous. Where the hell were these people getting all of these water bottles?!? It's like they brought them just to hurl them into the infield.
Oh, and also, the Cubs haven't won a World Series in, like, a hundred years or something. And those people still show up to the park to get drunk. So you have to give them something, right?
2. New York Yankees
They're number 2 for 2 reasons: 1) I saw them mercilessly boo a mentally handicapped kid; and 2) I was sitting in the bleachers and I witnessed the following exchange between two drunken Yankee fans:
Yankee Fan 1: "Go, Mattingly! You're the best!"
Yankee Fan 2: "Whatta ya mean?"
Fan 1: "Whatta ya mean, whatta I mean?? Mattingly's the best!"
Fan 2: "What about Mickey Mantle?"
Fan 1: "What about Mickey Mantle?"
Fan 2: "Don't you ever fuckin' say that!!" And then he punched the guy right in the ear. Then the entire section started beating each other. 40 people were removed from the stadium at the end of the day. 5 guys were arrested and at least 4 people ended up in the hospital. All because one fan didn't give the Mick enough respect. That's gone beyond loyal fan to sociopath. That's Yankees fans, folks.
1. Philadelphia Phillies
I think everyone knows about Philadelphia fans with their booing (they booed Santa Claus!) and their fighting (they had to build an entire courtroom and jail underneath old Veterans Stadium for all of the people arrested for disorderly conduct every game). But here's one about Phillie fans that is guaranteed to shock you: A diehard Phillie fan decides to take his young son to his first baseball game. So they're sitting in the upper deck enjoying the game. They end up sitting next to a group of dudes who proceed to get blitzed during the game. Around the eighth inning or so, while the father was distracted, the guy sitting next to the boy stands up and starts peeing on the kids head. Yes. Yes. A grown man urinated on a small boy's head in the middle of a crowded stadium. Needless to say, that kid's first game will be memorable. Never have I heard of anything that epitomizes both drunken inappropriateness and abject douchebaggery in such a way. I guess this motherfather could have rooted for any team. But he didn't. He was a Phillie fan. Philadelphia should be proud.
If you disagree with any of my judgments, feel free to comment and let me know.
The first question that has to be asked when taking on this issue is what is meant by "best"? Are the best fans the ones who support their team through thick and thin? Sell out every home game? Cheer the loudest? Boo the loudest? Are they the ones who have actual knowledge of their team, its players and the game of baseball or are they simply the ones who throw the most shit on the field in the course of the game?
It's a tough question. Seriously. I mean its quite a homefield advantage when your fan base is a bunch of braying jackasses who are more than willing to publicly humiliate themselves in order to heckle the other team. On the other hand, having a stadium packed with those same morons can have a negative impact on the home team as well [see every big name free agent the Mets ever brought in. Or the Albert "Joey" Belle (definitely in my top 5 sports psychopaths) My favorite is the incident in which shortly after he completed a program for alcohol and drug abuse (and subsequently changed his name from Joey to Albert in a totally bizarre and never really explained move), one of his own fans was taunting him about having a keg party over at his house. In response to the heckling, Belle picked up a foul ball, turned, and threw the ball as hard as he could into the fan's chest. The guy had to go to the hospital and Albert was suspended for a week. Brilliant, Mr. Belle. I don't know how you came up with that stuff. By the way, if you aren't familiar with his greatest hits, check out this site - http://www.baseballlibrary.com/ballplayers/player.php?name=albert_belle_1966 - focusing on the first four paragraphs. It reads like this guy is writing about a character he made up - the biggest douche bag ever to play America's sport]
For the purposes of this post, I'm going to say the best fans are the loudest, drunkest, and most disruptive. I'll be basing my judgments on my personal experiences. And by personal experiences I mean everything from actually firsthand knowledge, to seeing stuff on television, to unverified stories I heard from some guy that swears his buddy was there. Since this is how I get all of my information on which I make major life decisions, I see no problem with using it here.
TOP TEN "BEST" BASEBALL FAN BASES
10. San Francisco Giants
California fans generally don't get a lot of respect. And I won't be giving them much respect here, either. But I will say this; there is no fan base more absurdly loyal to its players than Giant fans. If you've ever had a conversation about Barry Bonds with a Giant fan, you'll immediately know what I'm talking about. I happen to know a lot of Giant fans and I may have once or twice insinuated that Barry Bonds may or may not have taken a lot of steroids. Man, they get insane! They refuse to apply logic or listen to rational arguments when it comes to Bonds. Giants’ fans literally turn into a team of attorneys whenever Barry Bonds is mentioned. They require you to prove to them beyond a reasonable doubt that Barry Bonds used steroids (I think we can all agree that their doubts are unreasonable at this point). I had one of my Giant fan friends demand that I show him evidence that Barry Bonds is guilty of using performance enhancers. As if I'm Federal prosecutor and I've got some exhibits on me as we're drinking at a bar. "Just wait a second while I produce blood test records from 2003." Get a hold of yourself. The man's head grew at 37 years of age! His head! Grew! Whatever. I'm not going to beat a dead, bloated, large headed, cheating horse. I'll just say that any fan base that can be that ridiculous about its players deserves some kind of recognition for their efforts. I mean, take a look at the #3's fans and remember how fast they turned on Sammy Sosa. Good job, San Fran.
Oh, also, I went to a game at Candlestick in the middle of August and it was negative 10 degrees and windy. I seriously considered urinating on myself to keep warm. Any fans willing to endure that to see a game deserve to make this list.
9. Milwaukee Brewers
Brewers’ fans aren't generally considered to be rowdy or obnoxious, but that's only because the Brewers aren't generally considered to be a baseball team. Let me tell you from personal experience that these people get absolutely ripped at their games. Is this shocking to anyone? They're sponsored by a beer company. They sell Miller Lite and MGD for around 30 cents at a stadium called Miller Park. They're named the Brewers for God's sake! They're literally daring their fans to try and remain sober.
And their general drunkenness is nothing new. When I was a kid, I went to see the Brewers play the Orioles at the old County Stadium (if Cleveland hadn't built that abomination which was officially called Municipal Stadium and was unofficially known as "The Mistake by the Lake," then County stadium would be the ugliest, dirtiest, and stickiest place I've ever seen a baseball game). I have to be honest with you; I don't remember much of the game because the guys next to us made a bigger spectacle than the players on the field. These guys got piss drunk by the third inning and proceeded to heckle Eddie Murray for the next two hours or so. "Eddie!" "ED-DIE!!" and "Murray sucks!" were loudly slurr-screamed in my ear for the entire game, no matter who was at bat, no matter who was in the field. Just a constant "Edddddd-iiiiiiiieeeee!!!" intermixed with a more subdued "Edd-ddiee" when they got a little tuckered out. The funniest part about the whole thing was that Eddie Murray wasn't even in the game. In fact, he didn't even play for either team. He'd been with the Dodgers for 4 years by the time these two decided to heckle him mercilessly. But you know what, even if my dad and I had told them that Eddie Murray couldn't hear them because we were in the upper deck and he was in Los Angeles, I don't think that that would have mattered to these guys. They would have let him have it anyways because, frankly, he deserved it, in their estimation, and it was about time someone did something about it. Now those are great fans.
8. St. Louis Cardinals
This is Budweiser's contribution to baseball fan douchebaggery. And just like with their beer, their product is a little bitter and a little hard to swallow, and still marginally better than Miller's. I'm speaking of course about the fact that the Cardinals are sponsored by the Budweiser family of beers and consequently, Cardinal fans get just as drunk as Brewers fans. And, of course, with drunken fans comes inappropriate behavior. I have to confess, I've only been to one Cardinal home game when I was about 12 years old. But, man, was it a doozy. We were watching the Cards take on the Braves and I'm a Braves fan (don't worry, I'm not biased, as you will see from the fact that the Braves are not on my list of great fan bases) so of course, I was wearing my Braves gear. The game had just started and my dad and I were hitting the men's room before we took our seats. While I was waiting outside of the bathroom for my dad to finish up, two beefy Midwestern guys came up to me chuckling as they looked over my hat and replica jersey. Then one of them got right in my face and yelled "FUCK YOU, KID!!!" and then they walked away. I spent the rest of the game in my seat hunched over in fear, imagining that my dad and I were seconds away from being carried off and ritualistically slaughtered by a pack of huge men with bad haircuts and stupid looking mustaches. It was utterly traumatic for me. And I learned something that day. I learned to respect Cardinals fans. If you are truly a good fan, you don't let some stupid kid enjoy a baseball game if he's rooting for the wrong team. NO! You gotta scream some profanity in his face, for God's sake! You gotta rattle his cage! "There are no free rides! Not in our house!" That's right. Welcome to # 8, St. Louis.
7. Chicago White Sox
Sox fans make it to this spot based solely on this: In 2002, during a Sox- Royals game, an irate father and his 15 year old son rushed on to the field and proceeded to beat the ever-loving crap out of the Royals first base coach, Tom Gamboa. For full details of the incident, read this article - http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/baseball/news/2002/09/19/royals_whitesox_ap/ . My favorite part - where the dude is like "He got what he deserved." Priceless! That is white trash at its best, folks. Just absolutely unapologetic for their transgressions.
I've never read anything that adequately explains what the hell happened here, but I imagine it went something like this:
White Trash Dad: "Hey, Gamboa, you suck! Your team also sucks! You can barely coach first base!"
Tom Gamboa: - - -
WTD: "Gamboa, how many outs are there? Bet you don't know!"
TG: - - -
WTD: "Hey, Gamboa, what are you, some kind of Italian?"
TG: - - -
WTD: "Hey, Tommy, is Gamboa Italian for giant queerburger?!"
TG: "What?"
WTD: "Did you hear that, Son? No one says that about the Ligue men! Let's get him!"
Son: "Right behind you, Pa!"
6. Detroit Tigers
I went to the old Tigers Stadium the season before they tore it down (or more accurately, allowed it to fall down like God intended) and never have I felt so close to being in a riot. They lost to the Yankees that night and I was convinced that we were seconds away from tear gas and burning cars.
I also went to the new Comerica Park which is a very nice, huge, clean park. But we walked from our hotel downtown to the park and it was like taking a walking tour of Baghdad. I need no other proof that those people are hard-ass. That goes for the fans living out in the burbs too. Anybody willing to drag his family through that living hell to catch a game is a diehard in my book.
5. Boston Red Sox
I think we're all familiar with Red Sox fans at this point. Yes, they used to be whiny. And yes, they suddenly got unbelievably cocky. Despite all that, you've never experienced anything funnier than 30,000 people screaming "Fack you, Gay-Rod!!" in unison in their ridiculous New England accent.
4. New York Mets
A few facts for you: Fact 1 - Shea Stadium smells more like urine than urine does. Fact 2 - No one is more abusive to opposing players than Mets fans. Pouring beer on players' heads, screaming what I can only describe as imaginative profanity, chucking batteries - they have the whole bag of tricks. I know all of this from personal experience. First, I've peed all over that stadium and its surrounding parking lot. I feel honored to be a part of history. And second, I've heard, and, yes, participated, in many a brutal heckling. I once sat by the opponent's bullpen and watched about 10 native New Yorkers psychologically break down a middle reliever until he was pile of mush. Poor Pat Mahomes (pronounced Ma-Homes, except in New York where it's pronounced Faggot). I don't know if you see the humor in the name Pat Mahomes, but they sure did. They started there and grew progressively worse until by the time this guy had to go into the game they were describing an elaborate sodomy scene with the 10 of them and Momma Mahomes. Two pitches into his first batter, he gave up the game winning three run homerun. No one in our section was a bit surprised.
3. Chicago Cubs
They're number 3 for 3 reasons. 1) Saw a guy get kicked out of the bleachers for funneling a beer. 2) Saw the entire crowd at Wrigley field boo a 10 year old kid when he didn't want to throw back a homerun ball hit by the visiting team. After a couple of minutes, he finally tossed the ball weakly into left field and then broke down crying. Amazing stuff. 3) Sat through a half hour game delay because the third base ump called Derek Lee out on a check-swing and about 40,000 people lobbed their bottled waters on to the field. I was shocked. "Cubs fans don't drink water!," I said to myself. An inning later, they didn't like another call on a close play at second base, so out go the water bottles. It was ridiculous. Where the hell were these people getting all of these water bottles?!? It's like they brought them just to hurl them into the infield.
Oh, and also, the Cubs haven't won a World Series in, like, a hundred years or something. And those people still show up to the park to get drunk. So you have to give them something, right?
2. New York Yankees
They're number 2 for 2 reasons: 1) I saw them mercilessly boo a mentally handicapped kid; and 2) I was sitting in the bleachers and I witnessed the following exchange between two drunken Yankee fans:
Yankee Fan 1: "Go, Mattingly! You're the best!"
Yankee Fan 2: "Whatta ya mean?"
Fan 1: "Whatta ya mean, whatta I mean?? Mattingly's the best!"
Fan 2: "What about Mickey Mantle?"
Fan 1: "What about Mickey Mantle?"
Fan 2: "Don't you ever fuckin' say that!!" And then he punched the guy right in the ear. Then the entire section started beating each other. 40 people were removed from the stadium at the end of the day. 5 guys were arrested and at least 4 people ended up in the hospital. All because one fan didn't give the Mick enough respect. That's gone beyond loyal fan to sociopath. That's Yankees fans, folks.
1. Philadelphia Phillies
I think everyone knows about Philadelphia fans with their booing (they booed Santa Claus!) and their fighting (they had to build an entire courtroom and jail underneath old Veterans Stadium for all of the people arrested for disorderly conduct every game). But here's one about Phillie fans that is guaranteed to shock you: A diehard Phillie fan decides to take his young son to his first baseball game. So they're sitting in the upper deck enjoying the game. They end up sitting next to a group of dudes who proceed to get blitzed during the game. Around the eighth inning or so, while the father was distracted, the guy sitting next to the boy stands up and starts peeing on the kids head. Yes. Yes. A grown man urinated on a small boy's head in the middle of a crowded stadium. Needless to say, that kid's first game will be memorable. Never have I heard of anything that epitomizes both drunken inappropriateness and abject douchebaggery in such a way. I guess this motherfather could have rooted for any team. But he didn't. He was a Phillie fan. Philadelphia should be proud.
If you disagree with any of my judgments, feel free to comment and let me know.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
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